I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead