Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?