No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
There is no “we” in pizza
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.