The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Note to self: always read the final line
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy