If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
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Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Me trying to “trust the process”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Accurate
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy