Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Lassie, get help!
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.