If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
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DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
#Thanos #MondayMood
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Why is no one talking about this?!