I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
#Caturday
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?