I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
can I use a minion as a tampon
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me checking my bank balance online.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.