My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.