If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet