sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I have taken up painting
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.