So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
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But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS