happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
brian had himself a morning…
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.