“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Aight bet
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”