Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.