Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
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Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it