My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
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I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.