“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
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I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.