Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
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Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The dark side of Canada
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*