Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
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Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
He is just living hist best little life 😊
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
wish me luck lads
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed