My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
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For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Doggies just call it style.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.