“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
You Might Also Like
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Just had my nails done!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”