One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Not today.. 😂
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target