The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants