Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
You Might Also Like
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.