Jogging
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I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.