Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
You Might Also Like
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.