cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
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You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system