The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Well, that didn’t work.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Social Media and Real life
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.