When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
The glockness monster