I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod