[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
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Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I don’t think my car can fly
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…