I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.