Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.