Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
You Might Also Like
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My dad is at it again
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
They got Raph!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.