Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
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Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same