I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Duolingo getting serious.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.