abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
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Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.