I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
You Might Also Like
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Current mood: Potato
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.