In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
the battle rages on
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home