There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.