Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Just me?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”