Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I bet
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.