Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Science memes
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”