(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
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If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
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Morningbreath
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.