[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
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There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that