Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
You Might Also Like
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.