I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
these two trucks have the same bed length
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
iPhone X
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”