I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
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I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?